I say that I’m from Estonia when someone asks me in Latvia or Lithuania. If they ask me if I live in Tallinn I say yes, but that I’m from a smaller village. I don’t tell them about growing up in Sweden.

In Poland it’s 50-50, depending on the context. I want them to think I am more like them, so I say Estonia. It works. The only time I mention being Swedish is when dancing lindy hop, because Sweden has one of the biggest international dance events for lindy hoppers and I want to bond through that.

Sometimes people ask where I’m from in passing by, making small talk, wanting a simple answer. In those cases I smile and say that it’s complicated, or that it’s a long story. Sometimes they ask me where I’m from wanting an explanation to something, like why I speak Russian. In those cases I answer the underlying question: my father is Russian.

Not even my being Swedish is straighforward: I grew up in northern Sweden, with its own culture and dialect. When Swedes ask me about my origin, it’s because they want to place my dialect. Telling them that I’m actually imported only confuses them.

I am slowly learning about my identity by jumping through these hoops. I am used to not being culturally understood in the places where I grew up, used to picking away some pieces of myself in order to be easy to understand and relatable. In Estonia I would actually be a very typical hybrid, be it not for my Swedish upbringing. Now I’m a foreign-Estonian; väliseestlane.

I am learning about how much of my identity actually ties into my origins. I am learning how to adjust the hoops so that I can step through them gracefully; if I don’t want to make myself easy to understand to others, I don’t have to. I get to choose how and when I invite people in.

I don’t know what it feels like to be from a place. I actually have no idea. So of course I don’t know how to respond to that question in a way that I feel does me justice. It’s a bit weird that it has taken me so long to figure that out.

I don’t know what I will tell people when I go to Germany. Maybe there I will tell them that I’m from Sweden. Or maybe not. Either way, it’s also kind of cool to be able to choose.

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(This story told in pictures.)